The summer before college, I felt like I was barely keeping my head above water – both emotionally and, in some ways, literally. I had earned a Division I swimming scholarship, but I was struggling with depression in a very real way. Just showing up to practice felt like a victory, and my times in the pool were nowhere near what they had been when I was recruited.
I had just recently begun to speak aloud things I had buried for years. And while that was an important step toward healing, it also made my transition to college more complicated.
So I redirected my energy (anxiety) into something that felt within my control: dorm room shopping. Subconsciously, I believed that if I could just create the perfect, cozy environment, then maybe I would be able to relax and quiet the anxiety a bit. I spent hours looking for the ideal duvet cover, the right set of storage bins, the best faux greenery. When everything else felt uncertain and overwhelming, this was something I could control–well, at least my half of the room.
I had hoped college would be a fresh start.
A new team. A new city. A clean slate.
I thought that if I just got away from home, the pain would disappear.
But as many students come to realize, change doesn’t always work that way.
You don’t leave your past behind just because you move to a new place.
When I arrived on campus, I carried everything with me only now I was surrounded by strangers. I sat in massive lecture halls filled with hundreds of other students, and even though I’d always been a strong student, I suddenly felt unsure of myself. When I got my first low grade, I started to question everything – my abilities, my path, my identity.
Time and again, my expectations of college clashed with reality. And every time, I felt a wave of anxiety that I tried to soothe by changing my circumstances.
I switched majors. I redecorated my dorm. I transferred schools. I joined a new team. I graduated early.
I rearranged everything except how I was relating to my own pain.
In hindsight, I can see how hard I was working to shape college into something ideal. I held tightly to a vision of how it was supposed to feel, and when reality didn’t match, I turned my frustration outward instead of looking inward.
You may have arrived at college with similar hopes. Maybe you believed this would be the place where everything finally clicked—where you would feel confident, independent, and certain about who you are becoming. And if that hasn’t been your experience so far, you might find yourself wondering whether you’re the only one who feels this way. Rest assured you are not alone.
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